Thursday, August 4, 2011

Hard Days

It is extremely hard to wrap words around how I am feeling these past few weeks. There are times where I feel as if I am walking along with a black cloud hovering above my head (aka Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh) and then there are times where I am laughing and giggling as if nothing was wrong with the world. Living a thousand miles from home gives me the ability to step away from the constant daily reminders of my Dad. I can almost live life without the feeling of grief deep in the pit of my stomach but, of course, that’s only until a memory flashes into my head or I make a phone call home to check-in…then reality sets in and pain numbs my insides.

Tears woke me up this morning. I dreamt that my mom was clearing out the house that we grew up in and my Dad’s favorite chair, pictures, couch, walking shoes were being tossed aside without a care in the world. I screamed and yelled that we just couldn’t throw away memories and jostled myself awake realizing, yet again, that Dad will never be there to calm my worries or go for a little night stroll to chat about life. My Dad can’t hug me anymore or tell me how proud he is of me. He won’t be there to make me laugh or drag me through the crowds in Disney World to hop on Snow White because there was no line—yes, only 3 months ago the two of us were tossing old ladies and men in wheel chairs out of the way so we could get to Snow White…what can I say, we were excited! I miss everything about him. It is so surreal and so painful but in my growing belly a little one awaits to come into this challenging world and I am ready to welcome them with love and kisses. With death comes life and this Baby Buttons may be the life that brings some joy back into our hurting family.


Anonymous said...

Oh Kate: I too am experiencing numbness and just feeling so scattered and unfocused. I find myself doing ordinary things and drifting off in thought about your dad and just shaking my head at the fact that he really isn't with us anymore. It is a great source of comfort knowing without a doubt he is in a much better place. As weird as it sounds I told Uncle Mike that I am very willing to believe someone if they just told me this was all a very bad dream. So far no luck. I am so sorry you are going so much pain and sadness. There is just no replacing anyone as special as your dad. But, my dear Kate, you are just weeks away from experiencing a joy you cannot even imagine. Baby Buttons arrival will be a thrill for everyone. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Love you, Aunt Marie