Monday, May 2, 2011

New Blog. New Life.

I have taken quite the hiatus from blogging. Life can be sneaky. While I truly thought I had things figured out, mapping out my year and years ahead well, life decided to send me the stork surprise. Absorbing those imminent changes that would be thrust upon my life I, in a sense, hiccupped then panicked. To be completely honest, I looked at my husband and said I’m not ready. really not ready. I hadn’t ever put much thought into becoming a mom because I still had so much work left on myself. I sat for about two months with my head in my hands thinking about what I am supposed to do next.

You know the saying…don’t put all your eggs in one basket – I did. Naivety at its best. I was a professional triathlete and going to eventually one day scratch and claw my way to the top and I was going to stand on top of that big elite mountain feeling as though I finally conquered the world. Ha! Not exactly. I tripped and stumbled and the only reason I somehow managed to not make a complete mockery of myself and my goals was that I had an extremely supportive husband who bent over backwards helping in my pursuit of a fantastical dream. I took an immature approach and failed to do what I truly intended to do and that was to find me. I wanted to be on that journey of self discovery only to find that I veered off way back at thinking everything was wrong with the world but what was really wrong was me.

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973. This quote has stuck in my head over the course of the last few months. Maybe it was my constant mumblings to Mike about not knowing who I am and how am I supposed to raise a baby if I don’t even know the purpose and direction of my own life? Oh yes, those questions came out quite a lot and while most of the time Mike simply shook his head occasionally he would give me the sincere look and say you can still create a life for yourself and find what it is you are looking for in this world. A baby isn’t a burden Katie…it is truly a blessing and I have no doubt it will make you a better, stronger person. The world may look brighter and you might just find happiness and purpose in places you never thought possible. I can’t help but love him because he never says anything unless he truly means it. He also suggested I start writing again…blogging to the world more often than not because it is a way to clear my head, organize thoughts, and of course, connect to those who probably, just maybe, feel the same way I do. So, that’s what I intend to do – write but write honestly and openly. Not all about racing and eating fruits (even though that will still be a huge part) but more about living and dealing and discovering.

CHEERS to the new blog and creating a new life with Baby Buttons!


GTI said...

Glad to see you writing again. And your honesty is lovely. That quote is true. You don't find it you build it. And you make mistakes and then you try and fix them and build some more. When you're done, I think you'll find you built something beautiful.